TOP TAKE-AWAY: MOURNING INVOLUNTARY CHILDLESSNESS

The Invisible Loss

Involuntary pregnancy loss and childlessness is often an invisible type of loss, as many women believe their loss is socially unacceptable to discuss and cannot be openly acknowledged (Sives, 2016).  Admitting such a loss causes social discomfort, not only for the woman who has experienced it, but for the people she may be sharing her loss with as well.    

Women who experience involuntary pregnancy loss often profess strong feelings of isolation.  Finding the right words to accurately explain their situation and feelings can present some challenges.  Women have reported that when they vent to their partner or family members, they are either misunderstood, not fully “heard,” and/or the conversation is filled with awkward silences and well-intentioned, but unhelpful comments (Sives, 2016). 

TOP TAKE-AWAY: MEN GRIEVE MISCARRIAGE TOO

Men’s grief following miscarriage is often thought to be less intense and last for a shorter period of time compared to women. However, that’s not true for all men - some men have experienced similar or higher levels of grief compared to their partner. Some men report feeling as if they lost their identity as a father; one moment they were looking forward to fatherhood, then the next it was snatched away. Some men also report being concerned about future pregnancies and feeling of anxiety and fear about their future and having children.

TOP TAKE-AWAY: YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER: PREGNANCY DETACHMENT RESULTING FROM MISCARRIAGE

In preparing a manuscript for publication, we have been rereading the many pregnancy loss stories women have shared with us through our 2017 online survey.  

One woman’s description of her experience with pregnancy after loss provoked us to share her thoughts as a means of reinforcing the fact that there is no right or wrong way to respond to pregnancy loss. The woman was brave enough to share how her emotional detachment to a subsequent pregnancy made her feel like a horrible person.  

“Pregnancy as I knew it to be, happy, joyful, exciting, no longer existed for me though, which made me feel like a horrible person.  How could I not be excited about having another baby? My doctor kept reassuring me that it was my mind’s defense mechanism to protect my heart from being broken again.  After nine months of feeling that awful way, as soon as they placed my 2nd daughter in my arms, all of those emotions that I was suppressing came flooding out.  I finally breathed and let my guard down.”