I plan
everything. So, when I found out I was pregnant in October 2012, I was thrilled
that the baby would be born in June 2013. I am a professor, and this meant the
baby would be born during my more flexible time of year.
Around 6
weeks, I started spotting. It was light at first, so I tried to desperately
hold on to hope. My husband tried to help me stay calm, and together we tried
to convince ourselves it was going to be okay. By the morning, it was becoming
clear that it was probably not going to be okay… at least not for this
pregnancy. After talking with the obstetrician’s office, we ended up going to
the Emergency Department, where we were told there was no heartbeat.
We
returned home, and sat sadly on the couch. I remember realizing that my
husband, who I had very rarely seen sad, had tears in his eyes. I was reassured
that we were feeling the same emotions, but I was also overcome with sadness
that someone I care so much about was feeling so sad, too. We decided we had to
get off the couch and do something, so we planned to go out to eat that night
at a restaurant near us that specifically states that no strollers are allowed,
thinking that would reduce our chances of seeing babies. There was an adorable,
sweet little girl eating dinner with her parents next to us at the restaurant
that night – I hoped very much that no one could see me crying.
I
understand that I was only six weeks pregnant, and I only knew about the
pregnancy for about two weeks. So, in theory, it shouldn’t have affected me as
greatly as it did. But it takes very little time to begin to imagine the baby’s
life – where that baby would go to school, what that baby would like to do,
where we would go as a family (to restaurants near our house, and all eat together
on a Friday night) – and it is difficult to let go of those fantasies. The
miscarriage also made me fearful that we would not be able to have children. It
made me realize that this was one thing in my life that I was not going to be
able to plan. And it made me nervous about trying again.
However,
in May 2013, we found out we were pregnant again. Twice during that pregnancy,
I had light spotting. Both times I frantically called the obstetrician’s office
in a panic, convinced that I was experiencing a miscarriage again. Both times I
was rushed in for an ultrasound. Both times we saw our daughter’s heartbeat! The
pregnancy continued to be eventful, however. Our tiny 3 pound 1 ounce daughter
was born at 32 weeks in December 2013, after I spent several weeks in the
hospital because of preeclampsia. The series of events leading up to her birth,
and the four weeks following her birth in the Intensive Care Nursery, were
anxiety-provoking. I repeatedly stated that there was no way I could go through
a pregnancy again – a fact that made me sad, because I very much wanted our
daughter to have a sibling. But I didn’t think I could go through all that
again.
Of
course, after a few years, I decided that the joy that my daughter brought to
our lives was worth all the anxiety leading up to her birth, so we decided to
try to get pregnant again. Because I had not yet fully learned my lesson the
first time, I tried to plan the pregnancy around my work schedule. When we
learned that we were pregnant in August 2016, and the due date was in May, I
was optimistic that this would be a pregnancy I could plan around. I once again
had light spotting early on, and though I was initially panicked, I was able to
convince myself to wait to see if the spotting became worse or not (it didn’t!)
before more calmly calling the doctor’s office. We had our first ultrasound at
10 weeks, 6 days, when we learned we were having twins. That was something I
had not planned on! And a few weeks later we learned they were identical Mono-Di
twins (where they share a placenta, but have their own amniotic sac). We were
told this means that it is safest that our babies are born earlier than 40
weeks – and not past 37 weeks. And of course having twins increases the risk of
many of the complications we had with our daughter, including premature birth
and preeclampsia. So, it is clear that I need to learn again that pregnancies
and babies are not something that I can plan.
I had
this impression that most women get pregnant relatively easily. Once they have
a positive pregnancy test, they begin excitedly planning for the baby that is
to come. They then move through their uneventful pregnancies, and give birth on
“the best day of their lives”. On this day, the baby arrives in a way and
around a time that the parents have planned, and the mom is the first person to
(joyfully!) hold the baby immediately after their birth. Of course, that is not
the case for many of us. And the more I talk to other women about it, the more
I realize how very wrong my impression was.
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