TOP TAKE-AWAYS: THE FATHERS' PERSPECTIVE

Serrano and Lima (2006) surveyed 30 couples to gain a better understanding of the impact of recurrent consecutive miscarriages on their relationship.  

• 90% of the couples were married and were in a relationship for an average of 6.66 years;  
• The average age of mothers was 31.73; the average age of fathers was 33.63;
• 76.7% of the couples reported 3 miscarriages, 20% reported 4; 1 couple reported 6 miscarriages;
• The couples in this study did not have living children and their most recent miscarriage occurred anywhere from three months to over one year prior to completing the survey.

Both partners answered questions about their grief, distress, relationship quality and sexuality following their most recent miscarriage.  

What did they find?  Grief and Distress

Both mothers and fathers reported high levels of grief.  Similar to the findings of our study, mothers reported higher levels of overall grief, active grief (“I cry when I think about the baby”), difficulty coping (“I find it difficult to make decisions since the baby died”), and despair (“The best part of me died with the baby”) than fathers.  

Although mothers reported higher levels of distress following recurrent miscarriages, fathers also reported high levels of stress.  In fact, fathers’ stress level was four times higher in comparison to a control group from a previous study.  They responded to items about intrusion (“I had dreams about the baby”) and avoidance (“I tried not to talk about the baby”).

There may be several ways to explain and interpret these findings.  It is important to remember that mothers not only experience the loss emotionally, but physically as well.  Thus, it makes sense that they would report more distress following a miscarriage. However, societal norms make it difficult for men to openly express emotions such as sadness and grief, which can lead to differential expression of grief for mothers and fathers following recurrent miscarriages.  Fathers may also feel like they have to “stay strong” and appear strong in order to support their grieving partner.  Studies like this highlight the deep loss that fathers do in fact experience, and should be allowed to express, following recurrent miscarriages.    

How do recurrent miscarriages influence the couple’s relationship?  

• Overall, men expressed more desire to have sex than women;
• 33.3% of the women and 23.3% of the men expressed a decrease in intercourse frequency following the most recent miscarriage;
• 20% of women reported less satisfaction from sexual activities following the most recent miscarriage (only 6.7% of the man stated the same);
• However, 16.6% of men and 13.3% of women said that they were talking more about sex than they previously were;
• 40% of women and 30% of men reported feeling closer to their partners; 
• 30% of women and 13.3% of men felt more comfortable communicating with their partners. 

Although it appears that some of the women in this study expressed less desire to have sex, initiated sex less often and reported being less satisfied with sex following their most recent miscarriage, these gender differences in sexual desire and behavior do not differ from couples who have not experienced recurrent miscarriages.  These findings also suggest that many couples felt closer to one another following their most recent miscarriage, and one-third of the mothers felt more comfortable communicating with their partners.  Thus, the couples were still able to have positive marital relationships and for some, the traumatic experience of recurrent miscarriages brought them closer together.

These findings once again highlight that a range of emotional experiences is normal and common after miscarriages - for the mother, her partner, and the couple as a whole.    

Reference: 

Serrano, F. & Lima, M.L. (2006).  Recurrent miscarriage: Psychological and relational consequences for couples. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 79, 585-594.