I always wanted more children and at 38, I decided to make that dream a reality. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage. It was early on. A couple of weeks after finding out I was pregnant, I started cramping. I had no idea what was happening, but I knew something was wrong. I had been pregnant before and have two healthy grown boys. I just figured this would be a healthy pregnancy also. But after the cramping, I started bleeding, so I called my doctor. The doctor said I was probably having a miscarriage. I was in horrible pain both physically and mentally. Just waiting for it to all be over.
I felt alone. My husband could not understand what I was feeling. Even though it was early, I felt devastated. I lost my baby.
A few months later, I was pregnant again. Although I was scared, I was also so excited. I figured there’s no way it will happen again. Because of my previous miscarriage, I had an early ultrasound. The doctor said I had a subchorionic hematoma, which sometimes happens, but will usually dissolve in the first trimester. He said there was nothing to worry about.
My pregnancy was going great. I felt horribly sick, just like I did with my other children. This time it was meant to be. I reached 12 weeks and figured, now I can relax. Everything will be fine. We went to our normal ultrasound appointment. We were both so happy to see our baby. We were watching the ultrasound and smiling until the tech stopped and said that she had to get the doctor.
Our baby had no heartbeat.
I couldn’t believe it. We had them check again and again. This happy day turned into a nightmare. We weren’t going home with pictures of our baby, instead we were heading to the hospital for a D&C. I can’t even put into words how I was feeling. It took me a long time to be okay. And hearing everyone say, “well at least you have two healthy children” did not help even a little bit. People can’t understand the devastation you feel unless they have been through it. This little baby that was growing in my stomach was gone. I felt like a failure, like it was my fault. We did not try for any more babies after that.
At 41, I was surprised with another pregnancy. At this point in my life, I really couldn’t imagine having a baby. The previous year I had to have an ovary removed. I was now with the love of my life, in my 40’s, with one ovary. I thought this was definitely a miracle. I let myself get excited and dream about the future.
From the first blood test, it didn’t look good. My levels were low. I went once a week for blood work only to see the levels dropping. I knew what was coming. You would think that would make it easier, but it didn’t. I had to wait for days, just cramping, waiting to bleed.
Another devastating experience. Why me? Why would this happen three times in a row. I did everything right. I took care of myself, but it didn’t matter. Was I just too old?
After the third miscarriage, I realized that it was just not meant for me to have another baby, so I let that dream go and got an IUD to be safe. The only comfort I have in all of this is that a few months after my last miscarriage, I found out my son was having a baby. I now have a beautiful, healthy granddaughter. I tell myself it all happened for a reason. It’s time for my son to experience all the joys of being a parent and for me to be here to help him.
My thoughts and prayers go out to every woman who has to go through miscarriage. I am grateful for this site to be able to share my story.
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