TOP TAKE-AWAYS: WHY SOCIETY DISMISSES MISCARRIAGE

How women are treated by society after a miscarriage can dramatically impact their grieving process.  Dr. Rayna Markin, a maternal mental health clinician and researcher, gathered information from a number of research articles and her own experiences with patients on the impact family, friends, and even healthcare professionals can have on women who suffer from miscarriage (Markin, 2016).  Our main take-away from her article mirrors the feelings we have heard from many women about their pregnancy loss experience(s).  

As a whole, society is not effective at recognizing miscarriage as real loss and often does not support grieving parents in a constructive, sympathetic manner.  

Markin (2016) makes some suggestions as to why society lacks the skills to effectively address the loss of a grieving mother.  She feels that conversations about miscarriages are uncomfortable and suggests that it is easier for others to say things like:

• “You are lucky it happened early on in the pregnancy.” 

• “Miscarriages happen all the time.”  

• “Your chances of having another healthy baby are very high.”  

She stresses that people do not say these things with negative intentions.  It may be that people want to distance themselves from the grief.  They don’t want to imagine this will happen to them or their loved ones, so they avoid discussing it.

In addition, the loss may seem less “real” to others because the pregnancy was not yet visible and/or known prior to miscarriage.  They may believe that very early miscarriages cannot result in a significant impact on the mother, which is a statement not supported by pregnancy loss research.  In fact, some research suggests that maternal attachment to the pregnancy is a better predictor of grief than gestational age.  

Another common misconception is that a healthy baby will replace the grief from the miscarriage.  Markin (2016) points out that the reality is that women are often fearful and show anxiety and depression symptoms in subsequent pregnancies.  They may protect themselves by avoiding emotions, avoiding bonding with the fetus, pretending the fetus is “not as real,” and avoiding thoughts about themselves as mothers.  Quite often subsequent pregnancies may remind women of their experiences with previous pregnancy losses.

Unfortunately, society does not set a standard for how to address pregnancy loss.  

• There are no ceremonies surrounding pregnancy loss in our society.  

• There are no rituals.  

• There are no outlets for women to grieve after a miscarriage.  

• There are no spaces for women to receive validation from their community.  

Grieving women must work on “repairing the self at the same time that they are grieving the loss of their baby.”  Coupled with the fact that society tells women to keep their pregnancy (and therefore potential miscarriage) a secret until the end of the first trimester, women often feel invalidated and isolated.  They may also experience anger towards others for minimizing and dismissing their feelings of loss.

It is our job to affirm the diversity of emotions grieving parents may experience.  We must do a better job of supporting grieving parents.  We must recognize miscarriage as real loss.  We must allow grieving parents the time for healing.  We must speak up about our own experiences with miscarriage and pregnancy loss.  In doing so, we can intentionally create a support system for others who will inevitably experience similar loss.  

Reference:

Markin, R.D. (2016).  What clinicians miss about miscarriages: Clinical errors in the treatment of early term perinatal loss.  Psychotherapy, 53, 347-353.