TOP TAKE-AWAY: MOURNING INVOLUNTARY CHILDLESSNESS

The Invisible Loss

Involuntary pregnancy loss and childlessness is often an invisible type of loss, as many women believe their loss is socially unacceptable to discuss and cannot be openly acknowledged (Sives, 2016).  Admitting such a loss causes social discomfort, not only for the woman who has experienced it, but for the people she may be sharing her loss with as well.    

Women who experience involuntary pregnancy loss often profess strong feelings of isolation.  Finding the right words to accurately explain their situation and feelings can present some challenges.  Women have reported that when they vent to their partner or family members, they are either misunderstood, not fully “heard,” and/or the conversation is filled with awkward silences and well-intentioned, but unhelpful comments (Sives, 2016). 

To complicate matters, there is a societal stereotype that a “real woman” should be a mother, and that being a mother is associated with the female identity. Women who are not mothers feel as though they are being judged and unworthy. One woman painfully expressed how she felt hatred towards her body for not being able to conceive a baby.  Another common stereotype that women face is the thought that their childbearing issues are their fault because they were more focused on their education and career, rather than giving birth at an earlier age (Sives, 2016). These stereotypes lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and alienation from society. 

Another challenge women report is being around pregnant women and other people’s children due to feelings of jealousy.  This can lead to women struggling with conflicting emotions:  Feeling happy for the woman who successfully conceived, while simultaneously feeling sad for herself.  Thus, in order to cope with being around pregnant women and other people’s children, many women hide their pain.  

“...Continuing silence about pregnancy loss and involuntary childlessness adds to the depth of pain and increases the challenges associated with the process of recovery”  (Sives, 2016, pg. 21).  This is one of the reasons why counseling can be effective during the grieving process following pregnancy loss.  Counseling is a method that women can use to have a safe space to vent and explain their grief.  It can help women acknowledge their loss and create an environment for them to break the silence and express how they are feeling, and connect with other women who feel the same way. 

Sives, A. (2016). Mourning involuntary childlessness. Therapy Today, 27(4), 18–21. Retrieved from http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=asn&AN=115362110&site=ehost-live